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Alone. In the dark.

This is one of those things that I probably should keep to myself. If you don't struggle with depression, this likely won't resonate with you. 

 I do. Struggle with depression that is.

 I HATE to admit it. Most of the time, I am cheerful, confident, and ready to weather any type of adversity. But, every few months "it" hits. (My husband can attest this this, and he is a saint for walking through the valley with me. I am certain that there is a great reward in heaven for him on my account.) 

 Suddenly, and unexpectedly, nothing is certain. No love. No grace. No joy. It's all empty. 

 I've only told one other person besides Josh that I struggle with depression before today. Even in this age, it seems so "taboo". However, as a redeemed child of God, I can say that it is real and it is horrible. And it doesn't make me "less" of a Christian. 

 I'm still learning how to walk through it (mostly by the prayers and comfort of Josh and the unarguable passages of scripture that push against the darkness). 

 One thing that has been a great comfort to me, has been reading of great men of faith (John Piper being one of them) who also struggle with depression. I am not alone. You are not alone. 

 We are loved by God. 

 If you fight this fight as well (whether you have told anyone or not), I love you! And am praying for you. With God's tenderness, you'll get through this. There is no place you can escape His love. 

 Let me share this passage that speaks to the depths of my soul:

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

 (Psalm 139:7-12)

This past weekend has been a dark one for me, which is what put all of this on my heart again. 
I wrote this rather scattered poem as a window into what depression is like for me. 

Lying alone, crying alone, dying
Alone. In the dark
you find me
as you left me
or worse.
Depression is so…
depressing
never ending
surprising, but not
in a good way.
The walls, the glass walls
keep everything out,
like an unwanted shield.
Off bounces love, your smile. Even tenderness wears
A frightening mask.
Why am I so
unlovable?
Not for the lack of it, but
for the stupid shield.
What is this weight, this
burden
Like Christian, but
more…
hopeless.
More hopeless. Isn’t “hopeless”
enough.
Lying alone, crying alone, dying
Alone. in the dark.
To me.
Begging, praying, pleading that there is something
More.
More than hopeless.
A cross for Christian.
For me. A journey back
Farther than the pain, than the empty
smiles.
Before the glass walls and the
silly, invisible burden I hate to love to
carry around.
Lying alone, crying alone, waiting
Alone. in the dark.
For hope.

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