Ten
years! I cannot believe that today my hubby and I have been married for an
entire decade. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were standing under an
autumn sky committing our lives and love to one another. Other days it feels
like we’ve been married our entire lives. Remembering a time before each other is
almost impossible.
As our
anniversary has approached, I’ve been considering what these ten years of life
could be likened too and it finally came to me. Marriage so far has been like
one giant Spartan Race – starting out eagerly, full of energy; soon pushing, pulling
and lifting one another up the next obstacle and the next; missing the target
but not moving on until we hit it; crawling through the mud while trying not to
get ripped open by the barbed wire just above us; carrying our weights and
sometimes carrying each other; grasping and reaching and shouting
encouragements (or the opposite) to keep putting one foot in front of the
other; doubling over in tears and exhaustion and yet somehow running hand in
hand to the finish with tired smiles on our faces - day after day after day
after day.
Somedays
it’s all high fives and easy climbs. Others it’s hate-your-guts and
get-away-from-mes. Most days it’s both. It seems that, the longer we are
married the mountains aren’t quite as high or the valleys as deep. I’m glad of
that.
Next to
my faith, I can honestly say that my marriage to Josh is the greatest joy of my
life. It’s hard. There is no way around that. I complain A LOT. (I need to work
on that) But, at the end of the day, I am incredibly thankful for the gift of
being married to the man who over time has become "the One" for me. Together we
are being made holy every day (although we may fight it tooth and claw).
Because
of these contemplations, I’ve made up a short list of things that a decade of
marriage has taught me (in no particular order and in no way comprehensive):
Be the first one to say that you are sorry.
This one
has taken me years to figure out and is a constant struggle! It is incredible
how quickly a conflict can be resolved when you humble yourself and apologize
first. Josh can attest to the fact that I’m not great at this, but whenever I do
swallow my pride and apologize, I’m SO glad of it.
Laugh often and easily.
We laugh
a LOT together and it has carried us through miscarriages, fights, bouts of
depression, job losses and the many years of parenting disasters. The top thing
on my list when I think of Josh is his ability to make me laugh.
Physical contact is important.
Even
before having kids I was not a physical contact kind of a person. I’ve never
enjoyed cuddling or hugging or hand holding all that much. Then came the kids
who are like little physical contact bombs – forever exploding over you with sticky
fingers and kisses. While I do love their cuddles now, they make me even less “cuddly”
at the end of the day with Josh. Some years ago, I read an article suggesting that
you make an effort to make physical contact with your spouse when you leave and
come home from work and when you go to and get up from bed each day. Even if it’s
just a hug, it is a habit of closeness that deepens your relationship. Maybe we’ll
get it into practice this decade!!
Be vulnerable even when it’s hard.
It is
incredibly hard for me to be vulnerable with Josh. On one hand, he knows everything
about me already, but on the other hand – unless I actually allow myself to cry
or verbalize what’s going on inside – he has no idea. It’s far easier just to
shrug it off or bury it somewhere inside – but so much healthier to sit down
and talk out our emotions/fears/etc.
Verbally build one another up.
Every
day I observe or appreciate things about Josh, but I so rarely verbalize them.
Do I just assume that he knows how I feel? I don’t know. I’m trying to get into
the practice of actually saying out loud things like, “You are such a great dad”
when I think them. It feels a little cheesy, but again – healthy!
Pray for your spouse.
This is something
that I think is so cool – talking to God about the person that you love most in
the world. No one knows Josh like God does. When I’m hurt or angry, God knows.
When I’m so proud and thankful that my heart could burst, God knows. When I’m
afraid for the future, God knows. It seems like, as I pray for Josh, God either
reminds me of what a treasure he is or convicts me of my own sin in our
marriage.
Don’t fight when you are tired or hungry.
This
might sound silly, but we have “postponed” discussions before for this very
reason. Without fail, being tired (or in my case hungry) result in disaster if
we start fighting.
It’s ok to let some stuff go.
In fact,
its ok to let LOTS of stuff go. Why? Because God has a plan and it’s a good
one. That might sound cliché, but we are living it right now. After ten years
of working, dreaming and planning we imagined that we would own a home and go
on a great anniversary vacation. I would have furthered my education and Josh would
have worked up the ladder at work.
Our plan didn’t happen.
But God’s
did.
We have
five beautiful children.
We have
a God who is faithfully providing for us every day.
We each have
a best friend to laugh, play, fight and dream with.
We’ve
let a lot of stuff go.
And yet
we have been given more than we could have ever imagined that sunny autumn day
ten years ago.
These
two passages sum up my feeling about our marriage this far and into the future:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the
Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then
you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will hear you. You will
seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
So teach us to number our days that we may get
a heart of wisdom.
(Jeremiah 29:11-13; Psalm 90:12)
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