This week I had a wakeup call.
I’ve been wallowing in bitterness.
It started out as walking occasionally, gingerly through
a murky puddle of it. Over time, however, the puddle grew and each trip through
the (now lake) I stayed a little longer.
At some point I waded out too deep. It felt good.
Truly, there has been a LOT to be bitter about:
~The sweet babies that I can’t conceive or carry to term.
~The beloved sister that has cancer.
~The broken relationship that time won’t heal.
There has also been much to be thankful for, but the
longer that I swam in the (now ocean) of bitterness, the less appealing land
looked.
I’ve just wanted to be miserable. It felt right. It feels
right.
Cue the wakeup call.
I was on the phone with that beloved sister when she
pointed out that I was getting lost in that ocean of bitterness – that yes, it
was well deserved bitterness, but that it was me that would be enveloped by it
in the end.
That’s when I realized that I haven’t been swimming around,
confidently, in the murky ocean, as I had believed. On the contrary, I’ve been
treading water – and poorly at that.
This is why tonight finds me crying over Psalm 51:10-12:
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
And take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation,
And uphold me with a willing spirit.
Also verse eight:
Let me hear joy and gladness;
Let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
And verse fifteen:
O
Lord, open my lips
And my mouth will declare your praise.
Notice how David is calling out to the LORD and that it’s
the LORD who is creating, renewing, restoring, opening and upholding?
After that is verse seventeen:
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will
not despise.
Which reminds me of Psalm 34:18:
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
There are times when God “breaks our bones” as the
Psalmist says. He is God. As God, He has every right to. The important part is
that He is good - reassuring us that it’s a purposeful breaking.
This doesn’t mean that he despises us, his children. It
doesn’t mean that he’s malicious.
He loves us. He is near to the broken-hearted.
How do I know? By looking to the cross – by looking to
the unfathomable sacrifice of Christ – the perfect One – the one God – who would
redeem his fallen children in such a glorious display because of his own
goodness.
I look to his work displayed throughout the earth’s age –
to the countless men and women whom He broke
and whom He healed – who went on to
praise his name because, even after such
a breaking, He was worthy of it.
In all honesty, I’m still very broken-hearted and the
ocean of bitterness is still very present, but looking to the cross, it’s as if
land is suddenly much nearer.
This may not resonate with you at all, but if it does,
hold on to the hope of the cross. That very Savior is near to we, the
broken-hearted and has promised to save we, the crushed in spirit.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I
have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
Therefore I will hope in Him.
Lamentations 3:21-24
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