Mother’s day – one of the most broken days of the year
for many of us for many different reasons.
This year has been exceptionally hard as I’ve miscarried three
times since last Mother’s day. Grief is a funny thing. God has blessed me with
four beautiful children to love, cuddle and laugh with (and I’m incredibly
thankful for each of them), but the five that he chose to take from me weigh
heavy on this mama’s heart. If you too are grieving today, I’m so sorry. There
is sweet comfort in knowing that God has our little ones with him – but today,
more than most days, is bittersweet.
God has been using this and my past to draw me in closer
to him in the past weeks. Maybe you won’t relate to this post in the same way,
but I’m sure that there is something in most of us that we wrestle with on this
day. Here’s my “something”:
As adopted people, we go through life carrying with us
the knowledge that from the moment of our discovery, we were unwanted. Our
mothers did not cry tears of joy, blush with delight or quicken with excitement
when the two pink lines were first seen. The emotions that we evoked were fear,
shame and often disgust. It’s true; we who were carried to term were the lucky
ones. It took brave women to carry us
for those long nine months, which must be proof of some maternal love in their
hearts. But for some reason, it’s not that part that sticks, but the achy
feeling that we’ll never quite fit – never be loved unconditionally – never belong.
As adopted people, we strive to be the best children that we can be – working so
very hard for that belonging.
But sometimes, that’s not enough. For some of us, our
adoptive relationship is just as broken as our biological one was.
That makes today incredibly hard.
This is what I’m realizing (through much sadness): I’ve
spent my entire life seeking what can be found freely and abundantly in Christ.
It’s right there. I have it and yet I
push it aside because I want so desperately to experience it from a human being
– unconditional love.
Isaiah 49:15-16 speaks volumes:
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
That she should have no compassion on the
son of her womb?
Even these may forget
Yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of
my hands;
Your walls are continually before me.”
Can a woman, can a mother forget her child? Yes. I know
this personally, painfully, to be so. Can a woman, can a mother have no
compassion, no kindness, for her child? Yes, indeed she can.
But God! How different he is. While even the mother, who
should have that natural compassion and concern for her child, may indeed fail,
God never will. Instead, he has engraved us, his children, upon his hands –
continually before him.
While he could keep a score of each thought and action
against him, as many of our mothers have, he doesn't. His love, bought with the
blood of Christ, is without condition.
“The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in steadfast
love.
He will not always chide,
Nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our
sins,
Nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the
earth,
So great is his steadfast love toward those
who fear him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far does he remove our transgressions from
us.”
Psalm 103:8-12
The stark difference between God’s love and human love is
that it’s based entirely on his being and his goodness.
“Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
Psalm 34:8
Mother’s day is all about celebrating and honoring the
women who have loved and served and been a place of refuge for their children. I
am truly happy for the many, many children who rest in the security of their
mother’s love. However, for those of us who struggle and cry and want to stay
in bed with the curtains drawn on mother’s day – let’s not forget the ocean of
safe, unconditional love that surrounds us as God’s beloved children. “Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
Whatever your “something” is today, whether it’s a broken
relationship with your mother, the loss of your mother, the ache to be a
mother, the loss of your child, the child who won’t receive your love, wherever
today finds you – the Lord is a place of refuge from the aching.
What a beautiful truth.
“Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
Psalm 34:8
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The Lord is good. He is safe. There is great delight in
knowing his goodness. “He has made all
things beautiful in it’s time.” (Ecc. 3:11) While we often don’t see it,
God is redeeming our relationships and bringing healing in his own beautiful
way. I see this as I’m now a mother. God has given me a fresh start – a chance
to redeem my perception and experience of motherhood as I grow and learn with
these beautiful children that God has entrusted to me. 
I’m not going to lie. Today has been brutally hard, but as
the day comes to a close, I look back and take comfort in the fact that (with
help from my wonderful hubby), I clung to the belief that God was my refuge –
my perfect parent – and that he carried me through the day.
He’ll carry you as well.
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