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A happy heart (in progress)

6:20am – My four year old is shouting in his unnaturally loud voice that he is awake.
6:22am – I go into his room, turn off the light and try to convince him that it’s not morning yet.
6:24am – He’s not buying it. The light is back on and he SHOUTS that he needs to pee.
6:25am – He keeps shouting because Daddy is in the bathroom getting ready for work.
6:26am – My five year old is awake and crying because of all of the shouting and bright lights.
6:27am – Now they both need to pee and are crying/shouting it at their door.
6:28am – The two year old is awake and crying too.
6:30am – I’ve only been awake for ten minutes but am now shouting as well for quiet, which is ironic.

And the day begins.

There is no oatmeal. How did it get missed on the shopping list? There is also no cereal, which means we will eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches. This is met with great consternation. The balance of life seems to be upset as PB&J is usually lunch fare. There is not enough caffeine on the planet to clear the fog from my cranky, not-a-morning-person brain so that I can reason with these four, emotionally charged people pulling at my pajamas.

Somehow, we made it through breakfast.

It’s time for school. I know that I’m not patient enough yet so we color instead. Coloring should be safe. Dragon pictures are printed out as that is the fancy of the littles this day. Dragons are loud. It seems coloring them is too.

The day is barely going, but I need a time out – a big one!

While the kids create colorful patterns on dragon scales, I make a cup of tea (which turns into two). Pulling back the curtains, I curl up on the love seat and gaze, almost hungrily, out the window for something beautiful to absorb. Beauty causes me to well up with joy and joy grows in me thankfulness.

The thing about thankfulness is that it often doesn't come easy – at least not for me. There is a verse though that is clanking about in my head:

A joyful heart is good medicine; but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22

My heart desperately needs some medicine. So I sit, focused; waiting. Isaac is marching around the room chanting, “Womb, womb, womb”. I have no idea what that’s about, but it’s pretty funny. Actually, for all of his volume, he’s a pretty funny little guy. A smile.
A magpie descends onto a branch just a few feet from where I’m curled at the window. Growing up, they had been such a nuisance, but how beautiful this one is with its sleek, shimmery feathers.  
We look at each other. It feels comical, engaging in a staring match with a bird.
A laugh.
The music that’s playing has just switched to a new song:
Like the sun that rises everyday
You are so faithful; Lord you are faithful
Like the life that you give to every beat of my heart
You are so faithful, Lord
And in the midst of the storm through the wind and the waves
You’ll still be faithful; You’ll still be faithful
And when the stars refuse to shine and time is no more
You’ll still be faithful; You’ll still be faithful, Lord.
Hmmmm. What a bold, beautiful truth.
The tea cup is empty.
The dragons are finished. Each one is unique and displays a different level of skill. The kids are so proud. I am too.
And thankful.
They remind me of what I’ve been acting too grown-up for.
Do you remember when you were a child and life was full of excitement and potential - when there was no such thing as mundane? You could imagine your life as a magpie or a great artist. Being a mailman seemed like the coolest job on the planet and a new snowfall made you feel giddy with wonder.

I fill up my tea cup one more time for school and make a quick list of what needs to be accomplished today. As usual, it’s longer than my energy or time can handle, but the start of joy in my heart makes me jot it down anyway.

Am I at perfect peace and filled with joy? No. But, I am reminded that every good gift comes from God (James 1), the greatest of which is the One living inside of me. That truth makes me eager to look for more.

“The Lord is my portion”, says my soul,
“Therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
To the soul who seeks him.

Lamentations 3:24-25

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